This is the fouth post in my series on how to get your ex back. If you missed the first 3 posts, you can find them here:
5 Strategies to Help You Win Back Your Ex
To Get Your Ex Back, Be Strong
To Get Back With Your Ex, Give Some Space
Today, let's talk about the third strategy - being flexible.
Often, when we're dealing with relationship problems, we resort to ultimatums. We start barking orders like, "Get the trash out before morning, or I'm dumping it in the driveway!" Well, those kinds of things just usually don't work very well... and they might be part of the reason why your ex left in the first place.
If you've done this in the past (and be honest with yourself - trying to fool yourself isn't going to do anyone any good), yu're going to have to learn a little flexibility. Not only that, but you're going to have to demonstrate to your ex that you've softened a bit, too.
One way you can demonstrate this is very simple (yet very powerful) - listening. Just listening to what your ex has to say, without judgment or prejudice, will go a long way toward helping you get back your ex.
This doesn't just mean looking at your ex and tuning him or her out. You're not fooling anyone - he or she will quickly figure out that you're hearing, but not listening. You actually need to consider what your ex is saying, even if it's not particularly pleasant, and respind with empathy and compassion.
Your ex deserves to be listened to. His or her opinions and feelings are important. And even if your ex needs to tell you about things you've done wrong, understand that he or she dislikes your actions - not you. You can change... and listening to your ex gives you the information you need to know exactly how to change.
Next time, we'll talk about a strategy for getting your ex back that is actually fun (hey, we can't work all the time)!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
How to Get Your Ex Back: Strategy #2
This is my third post in the series on how to get your ex back. In case you missed the previous posts, you can find them here:Today, let's look at the second strategy you'll need to win back your ex:
Give Your Ex Some Space
Sure, this sounds counterintuitive. We've all heard the old saying, "Out of sight, out of mind". So you'd think that you would want your ex to know you're still around, so he or she doesn't forget you, right?
Your ex is not going to forget you. He or she invested time, energy, and emotion into a relationship with you, and that's not going to fade away overnight. It's silly to think that your ex has just completely erased you from his or her mind (even though that's often exactly what we think).
Your ex needs time to work through emotions. The break up wasn't just painful for you. And you're not the only one who needs break up help to deal with this. No matter how your ex appears on the outside, he or she is dealing with a lot of different issues.
Trying to contact your ex too soon is just going to muddy the waters. Your ex hasn't had time to put everything into perspective yet, and isn't emotionally ready to tackle some of the issues that will need to be addressed before the two of you can get back together.
Contacting your ex too quickly also demonstrates neediness. I've said countless times on other blogs and websites... Your ex doesn't want someone who is an emotional mess. Appearing needy and unstable isn't going to get you anywhere. Your ex wants a partner... not someone to take care of.
Thre isn't any "magic number" that will tell you how long is long enough. A good rule of thumb is to give your ex one month before you make contact... if you had a long relationship that ended with a bout of ugly drama and temper-tantrums... your ex will probably need more time. But more importantly, you need that time too... whether you realize it or not.
Next time, we'll look at the third strategy for getting your ex back. This strategy is a challenge for both men and women... but it can make the difference between whether you get your ex back, or whether you end up alone.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
How to Get Your Ex Back: Strategy #1
This is the second in my series of posts showing you how to get back with your ex. In case you missed the first post of the series, you can read it here:
How to Get Your Ex Back: 5 Strategies
In this post, we'll look at the first strategy you can use to set the stage to win back your ex. This can often be one of the most difficult strategies for people, because dealing with a breakup is a highly emotional ordeal. However, the strategy is critical to successfully restoring your relationship.
When you're trying to get back your ex, it's easy to let your desperation show. You're probably pretty shaken up over the whole thing, after all, and you really just want everything to go back to normal... and the sooner, the better. But if you don't rein in your feelings (at least while you're within earshot of your spouse), you're going to come across as being needy and unstable.
Have you ever been around someone who was so desperate to be accepted that they would do anything to be acknowledged? Think back to grade school, when that one kid would carry your books, follow you around in gym class, buy your lunch and carry it to your table every day... etc. Yeah, it got prety old, pretty quickly.
Being desperate and clingy isn't endearing, and it's not going to win you any points with your ex. Nobody wants to be around someone like that... especially not someone who has recently broken romantic ties with you for (presumably) other reasons.
You need to prove to your ex that you can be strong. More importantly, you need to prove it to yourself. If you're going to get back your ex, you have to be confident in yourself. Strength and confidence comes across in your words, your actions, and even your body language.
Your ex wants someone who can add to his or her life... not someone who has to be taken care of.
So you may be thinking, "Great. I want to get my ex back... but how do I be strong?"
You have to understand that, even if you never speak with your ex again, your life is not over. I'll bet you did just fine for many years before you met him or her. You didn't feel needy and desperate then... so why feel that way now?
Bear with me - I promise this quick exercise will help you win your ex back, strange as it may seem.
If you never speak with your ex again (and that's not going to happen, I'm just using this as an illustration), here's what will happen: You'll feel pretty bad about it all for a while. You'll go through alternating stages of grief, anger, resentment, guilt, self-pity, etc. Your friends will get tired of being around you, because your ex is the only thing you seem to be able to talk about.
One day, you'll decide you've had enough of all of this wallowing in self-pity, and you'll get out of the house and do something that you and your ex would have normally done together... going for ice cream, wandering through the bookstore... whatever. You'll feel tinges of pain, but you'll also feel strangely empowered. You will have gotten part of your life back, and it will feel good!
Little by little, you will realize that you are a complete person, even without your ex. You'll begin enjoying life again, the sadness will slowly fade, and your friends will want to be around you again. One day, you'll wake up and realize that you're fine just as you are!
It's a bit paradoxical... but remember how I said that even if you never saw your ex again, you'd wake up one day and realize you are fine without him or her? That's precisely where you need to be to get your ex back.
Prove to yourself that can stand on your own two feet. There's no reason to wait weeks or months to do this. Start living your life again. By proving to yourself that you're a complete person on your own, you set the stage to get your ex back. He or she will see your strength and confidence, and will start to want to be a part of your life again.
When you're learning how to get back your ex, things aren't always as they seem. The strategies in this series may seem counterintuitive, but they work!
Next time, we'll look at the second strategy you'll need to win back your ex. Hint: There's another paradox coming your way. Be ready. :-)
How to Get Your Ex Back: 5 Strategies
In this post, we'll look at the first strategy you can use to set the stage to win back your ex. This can often be one of the most difficult strategies for people, because dealing with a breakup is a highly emotional ordeal. However, the strategy is critical to successfully restoring your relationship.
How to Get Your Ex Back Strategy #1: Be Strong.
When you're trying to get back your ex, it's easy to let your desperation show. You're probably pretty shaken up over the whole thing, after all, and you really just want everything to go back to normal... and the sooner, the better. But if you don't rein in your feelings (at least while you're within earshot of your spouse), you're going to come across as being needy and unstable.
Have you ever been around someone who was so desperate to be accepted that they would do anything to be acknowledged? Think back to grade school, when that one kid would carry your books, follow you around in gym class, buy your lunch and carry it to your table every day... etc. Yeah, it got prety old, pretty quickly.
Being desperate and clingy isn't endearing, and it's not going to win you any points with your ex. Nobody wants to be around someone like that... especially not someone who has recently broken romantic ties with you for (presumably) other reasons.
You need to prove to your ex that you can be strong. More importantly, you need to prove it to yourself. If you're going to get back your ex, you have to be confident in yourself. Strength and confidence comes across in your words, your actions, and even your body language.
Your ex wants someone who can add to his or her life... not someone who has to be taken care of.
So you may be thinking, "Great. I want to get my ex back... but how do I be strong?"
You have to understand that, even if you never speak with your ex again, your life is not over. I'll bet you did just fine for many years before you met him or her. You didn't feel needy and desperate then... so why feel that way now?
What Will Happen if You Never Get Your Ex Back?
Bear with me - I promise this quick exercise will help you win your ex back, strange as it may seem.
If you never speak with your ex again (and that's not going to happen, I'm just using this as an illustration), here's what will happen: You'll feel pretty bad about it all for a while. You'll go through alternating stages of grief, anger, resentment, guilt, self-pity, etc. Your friends will get tired of being around you, because your ex is the only thing you seem to be able to talk about.
One day, you'll decide you've had enough of all of this wallowing in self-pity, and you'll get out of the house and do something that you and your ex would have normally done together... going for ice cream, wandering through the bookstore... whatever. You'll feel tinges of pain, but you'll also feel strangely empowered. You will have gotten part of your life back, and it will feel good!
Little by little, you will realize that you are a complete person, even without your ex. You'll begin enjoying life again, the sadness will slowly fade, and your friends will want to be around you again. One day, you'll wake up and realize that you're fine just as you are!
How Does This Help Me Get My Ex Back?
It's a bit paradoxical... but remember how I said that even if you never saw your ex again, you'd wake up one day and realize you are fine without him or her? That's precisely where you need to be to get your ex back.
Prove to yourself that can stand on your own two feet. There's no reason to wait weeks or months to do this. Start living your life again. By proving to yourself that you're a complete person on your own, you set the stage to get your ex back. He or she will see your strength and confidence, and will start to want to be a part of your life again.
When you're learning how to get back your ex, things aren't always as they seem. The strategies in this series may seem counterintuitive, but they work!
Next time, we'll look at the second strategy you'll need to win back your ex. Hint: There's another paradox coming your way. Be ready. :-)
Friday, May 1, 2009
How to Get Your Ex Back: 5 Strategies
Trying to get your ex back without a clear-cut strategy is a horrible idea. Almost invariably, trying to "wing-it" will just end up driving your ex further away, and will just make you feel worse.
In this series of posts, we'll look at 5 strategies you can use to get your ex back. You'll have to be ready and willing to implement these strategies, though... I've talked to many people who say, "Well, yeah, I can use one or two of these strategies... but the others just aren't going to work."
This is just stubbornness talking. People always want to think that they're right. But take a minute and ponder this question: If you knew everything there was to know about getting your ex back, you and your ex wouldn't have split in the first place.
I don't mean to sound harsh when I say that. I'm only saying it because I want you to get your ex back. It saddens me to see so many broken relationships and divorces, particularly in times like these where other things (like money and career issues) are so tough. You need someone to lean on and care for - and whether your spouse is willing to admit it or not, he or she needs you just as much.
I also care because there are so many children today dealing with the stress of broken homes. Growing up in today's society is hard enough without the added stress of being raised by parents in two different households. These kids grow up with some pretty negative ideas about relationships... and when they're old enough to get married, they're going to find it very difficult to get past the issues they dealt with as children.
You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to be happy, and to grow up in a stable, loving home. And your ex deserves to be happy, too. So even if your ex isn't ready to give the relationship another go yet, pay attention to these strategies, and use them. They can help you start to put your marriage back together.
In my next post, we'll look at the first strategy you'll need to get your ex back. It's one of the most important things you can do to save your marriage.
In this series of posts, we'll look at 5 strategies you can use to get your ex back. You'll have to be ready and willing to implement these strategies, though... I've talked to many people who say, "Well, yeah, I can use one or two of these strategies... but the others just aren't going to work."
This is just stubbornness talking. People always want to think that they're right. But take a minute and ponder this question: If you knew everything there was to know about getting your ex back, you and your ex wouldn't have split in the first place.
I don't mean to sound harsh when I say that. I'm only saying it because I want you to get your ex back. It saddens me to see so many broken relationships and divorces, particularly in times like these where other things (like money and career issues) are so tough. You need someone to lean on and care for - and whether your spouse is willing to admit it or not, he or she needs you just as much.
I also care because there are so many children today dealing with the stress of broken homes. Growing up in today's society is hard enough without the added stress of being raised by parents in two different households. These kids grow up with some pretty negative ideas about relationships... and when they're old enough to get married, they're going to find it very difficult to get past the issues they dealt with as children.
You deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to be happy, and to grow up in a stable, loving home. And your ex deserves to be happy, too. So even if your ex isn't ready to give the relationship another go yet, pay attention to these strategies, and use them. They can help you start to put your marriage back together.
In my next post, we'll look at the first strategy you'll need to get your ex back. It's one of the most important things you can do to save your marriage.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Welcome to How to Get Ex Back
If you've lost your spouse bacause of marital problems, it can feel like your world has come crashing down around you. "How to Get Ex Back" is here to help you get your marriage back on track, even if you're the only one who wants to work on the relationship right now.
You see, I've been where you are now. I understand the feelings of hurt, resentment, anger, and guilt that come with a marital breakup. It's draining and utterly debilitating. You don't know where to turn, and you wish there was just some sort of "magic wand" you could wave over the siuation to make it all better again.
I can't offer you a magic wand (no one can), but I can offer you the next best thing - a plan that will help you restore your marriage, even if your ex isn't ready to start working on it yet. It does take an investment of time, energy, and yes, work... but isn't it worth it to save the relationship you and your spouse once enjoyed so much?
My best advice is to start with Dr. Lee Baucom's Save the Marriage course. It's cheaper than a dinner out, and it has helped more couples than I could count restore their relationships.
You and your spouse don't have to read it together - even if your partner isn't willing to work on the relationship right now, you can use it yourself to learn the techniques to get your ex back. Don't worry, the techniques will bring your spouse around.
After you've read Save the Marriage, be sure to check back here often - I look forward to using "How to Get Ex Back" to help you and your partner rekindle your relationship!
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